First day back at college.
I was going to return this dress because I felt so guilty for spending money on myself. But no, today I took off the label and threw away the receipt. I love this dress and I will wear it if I want to! Love x
You have an extremely kind soul anon, thank you. I am feeling a bit better this morning and am just about to get ready to head off to college. I hope you have a lovely day xxxx
Reminder to self:
Recovery is not an overnight transformation; it takes time, and that’s okay. No one is expecting you to be magically fixed or instantly ‘better’ after following a meal plan or eating more/different foods. It is not a quick fix. It’s not all about weight gain (although that is a fundamental aspect of recovery.) Recovery is unique and individual. Don’t judge yourself based on another person’s journey; we are all on our own separate journeys, coming from different directions, with different destinations. The best thing that you can do for yourself right now, is to put yourself first. You can beat this illness. It does not define you.
Sadness seems to engulf me like a poisonous black cloud. Falling as a blanket of snow does, silent but heavy, without trace.
The thing is, you don’t realise until you awake, the true extent of what is surrounding you. Except sometimes it doesn’t feel like you will ever wake up from this hell.
blue-bonbons: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAIM that daim egg looks eggcellent ;) (see what I did there) (witty english lit student strikes again) I love you so much and am so proud of your progress recently. I'm very lucky to have you by my side. Keep it up please, don't you dare let yourself slip or I'll come at you like a pride of lions xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Keep fighting little lion. I am going nowhere okay, I promise.
You can get through this, I believe in you <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Of course I don’t mind answering your question. I should really be doing work for tomorrow but I can’t concentrate one single bit.
As for my first session with CAMHS - I initially missed my first one because I was too scared and ran away, but looking back I wish I had just gone. Faced the anxiety head on. A few weeks later I did manage to go to my appointment and the first session is honestly nothing to worry about. It was with a general support worker and she basically asked a lot about my family history and why I was there…to be honest, my CAMHS wasn’t the best - they treated me like a little child. However, once I got access to the right help through CAMHS I think they truly did save my life. I can’t quite remember what exactly happened - I do remember I was weighed (as I was referred as a ED patient) she asked about what food I ate, if I avoided foods, exercise etc. general eating disorder questions and I also had to fill out a mood and feelings sheet…It was more of a general talk to find out who would be best to offer me support and how the team could help me in the right way. I believe it is probably like this at most services? There is an initial assessment and then that person will feed back to the general team and it will be discussed who will be best to meet you on a regular basis, what support you would need and how your treatment should be allocated etc.
I know right now you are probably very scared but please try not to over worry - these people are there to help you. They don’t want to hurt you or make things worse - they are trying to give you support and help to get your life on the right track, as well as to help you out of a tricky time in your life. Maybe ask someone supportive to go with you so that you can talk to them afterwards? Or perhaps a friend that you can text after the appointment?
Take care and I really hope your first session goes well and that you get the help that you need and deserve xxx
nope nope I cant hear anything either!
I must say daim chocolate is pretty amazing. I only found it by chance because we buy mikados quite a lot and one of their flavours is daim :3 mmmm chocolate..it is good for the soul and good for the mind. Chocolate is good for everyone! x
tehehe *hugs anon* ♥
Mum may be at Pilates.
Dad may be sitting watching the football and drinking alcohol.
But I am eating chocolate. And that is okay.
Lalala I can’t hear you anorexia.
Finally built up the courage to try one of the cadburys Easter eggs. Ah.
Childhood memories on a plate.
oh, sorry I erm, I tend to buy a lot of food but not with the mind of eating it soon (?)
I buy things for "later" "another day" "oh I may want to try that next week" "I used to like these…" "mum might want that" "that would be nice to try one day" "oh a new product…I have to get that" ….
I then end up buying quite a lot of food over a period of time (so without realising it all piles up and becomes too overwhelming). Basically I end up with a lot of foods in the house which I am too scared to eat and usually end up going for a safe meal and trying to forget I have them by storing them somewhere.
Does that make sense? It is hard to explain and hoarding was something I used to do when I was very deep in my disorder. It is all “secretive” and over time so no one notices…I can’t explain it, it doesnt even make sense to me right now. x
Tuesday 22nd April in a few pictures.
I don’t have college on Tuesdays (no lessons) but I do have therapy so I had to be up at 7am to get to my 9am appointment…
I LOVE YOUUU. MWAH X
Anonymous: Stop apologising. It's not your fault. No-one will be disappointed in you. It's ok if you make a decision that turns out not to be the best option - some good will come of it anyway. You're ok.
Thank you for the reassurance anon, I really appreciate it xxxx