Why on earth do I always feel the need to “save” calories until later in the day?
I am finding it so hard to convince myself to eat more in the day recently and I end up "saving" calories until later in the day.
However, every day without fail, I get to the evening and dread having to make up the calories that I have "saved". Why can’t I just eat normally and accept that I need more fuel throughout the day?!
Work also makes it much harder due to the hours of my shift (but that will be stopping soon for a while because of exams so I suppose it will be easier soon)
Oh I really am so silly and I kick myself every single evening because I am so bloated and full and wish I had eaten more earlier in the day.
NOTES TO SELF: It is okay to eat more earlier in the day. It is okay to fuel your body and have more energy. It is okay to not “save up” calories. You can eat more. It is okay to eat different foods. It is okay to not know the exact calorie content of foods. It is okay to eat “forbidden” and “fear” foods. Food is not meant to be feared. Food is medicine. Food is meant to be yummy. Food is meant to be enjoyed. You are allowed to eat more. Increasing is good. Increasing will help. Your body needs to repair. It needs to heal. A few extra biscuits will not make you gain a million pounds. You are fighting to get your life back. This is your way of fighting anorexia. It can be beaten. You can beat this. KEEP GOING. DON’T STOP. DON’T LISTEN TO IT, IT LIES. YOU ARE STRONGER. YOU CAN BEAT THIS.
Hey there you, yes you. I am going to let you into a little secret…
No one cares about how much you weigh, what your lowest bmi was or even what jean size you are wearing - if they do then they are not worth your time.
You are so much more than a number, so much more than a diagnosis; you are you. The only one there is. You only get one life, so live it, and don’t let your disorder hold you back.
This post has cropped up in my notifications over the past few days and I really feel that re-blogging this makes perfect sense (even if it is from myself).
I need to remember that I am not a number, or a diagnosis.
No matter how much anorexia tries to convince me that I can’t beat this; I CAN.
Today has been rather difficult for many reasons, but I am still here and I am still fighting. I will not let anorexia claw me backwards. It does not define me. I am not a number.
I deserve recovery and so do you. We deserve to live our lives free of this. Together we will fight and together we will concur. Eating disorders can be beaten x
Off to work. Blergh.
Bed and cereal time
I think it is time for bed and cereal (of course)
Today has been a roller coaster and I am slightly disappointed as I have ended up just belong my target (had a little slip is this morning but we all have them now and again)
My mind is a little all over the place and I am very tired so I think I will call it a night - oh and I have work tomorrow :( I have started replying to my inbox messages but please give me some time, it may take a while.
I hope that wherever you are in the world you are taking care of yourself today. You are all worth recovery, every single one of you x
Anonymous: Oh Kitty, I'm trying so hard but I really don't think I can carry on. Anorexia won't leave me alone, it's like I'm trapped in my own mind and nobody understands. I'm so sorry for burdening this on you, but I have no one and I feel anorexia has em won and I'm not sure I have any energy to keep fighting. How do you keep going? I'm so proud, thankyou for being so strong
Oh my goodness I didn’t know that this has been in my inbox for so long, I am so so so so sorry. Anon please don’t say I am too late. (I am so sorry that this answer is not going to be the best in the world but I just had to reply to this tonight - I couldn’t leave it another day. Please take care of yourself)
There is so much more to life than anorexia, don’t listen to the lies and the snarling comments that it whispers in your ears. You may feel weak right now but you don’t know your own strength. Anorexia has sucked the life out of you but I promise that within you, you still have the strength and power to overthrow this illness and to beat it. It takes a lot of courage and persistence but it does get easier. Day by day, hour by hour, although the thoughts seem constant, they begin to fade the more you fight; the longer you persist. You must never give up. Think of what you have to live for. The life you could live.
You have a whole future ahead of you. A bright future full of countless numbers of opportunities. You can do whatever you dream of doing. Live wherever you wish to live. Be with who you want to be with. You don’t have to live with anorexia. You don’t have to live by its rules or restrictions any longer – you can chose, right now that you have had enough and you can say no to it.
This is YOUR life.
Life is a magical and beautiful thing. Life is so very precious. But life is something that anorexia takes away from you; it shuts you down and clouds your vision so much that you can’t see it. It stops your thinking. It narrows your mind. It sucks life out of you and makes you believe that it is no longer there. That you can’t live any other way. But it lies. Life is out there, it is waiting for you.
The truth is that anorexia is out to kill you.
“The only good anorexic, is a dead anorexic”
When will it ever be “enough”? Will it ever loosen its grip? Allow you to live life?
No. It won’t. It will never be enough. There will never be that happier and euphoric moment that it is tricking you to believe there is. You will never be happy. It will never be enough for it. There is no happy ending.
The only ending, with anorexia, is death.
A sad and lonely death. One that consumes not only you but everyone that knew and loved you. It tears their world apart. It takes away everything you were and are. It takes away your future and your life.
It takes more lives even after it has taken your own.
The devastation left by anorexia is never forgotten. It never ends.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t have to end like that.
It can be beaten.
You may feel helpless at times and want to give up, but I promise you that if you persist and reach out for help, that you can beat this. There are a lot of people who want to help you right now. You are anything but alone.
It may feel endless and impossible and anorexia will try to convince you that you are “different” and that you can’t “recover” that you “don’t need to” that you are not “sick enough” – but it lies. It is trying to grip onto you. It is trying to tighten its grip; please don’t give into its lies. It is sneaky and will try every trick in the book but you are stronger and more intelligent than it. You can fight it. It may seem daunting and the mountain may seem overwhelming, but every mountain can be concurred. There are ups and there are downs but no journey is a straight road. You can pick yourself back up if you were to fall, but you can also allow others to help pick you back up too - it is okay to ask for help. It is okay to accept support. No one is expecting you to do this alone, there are so many people on this planet that care and love you. They want to join you, so let them in, let them fight this battle with you. Because this is a war that can be won.
I want you to stop and think right now. I want you to think about your life and future if you can.
What do you dream of doing? Seeing? Being? If you could, what would you do anything right now, where would you go? What would you do? Who would you be with?
You and anorexia are not the same person. You both want two completely different things and I want you to start to listen to yourself and what YOU want to do.
No rules, no boundaries, no restrictions – if you could do ANTHING, ANYTHING, what would it be?
When I start to think about life, I think about all the beautiful and amazing things that life can offer. The things I can do and see in the world. The places I can go and the experiences and adventures that I can have.
But one thing that jumped to mind when answering this post was family. Life. Brand new life.
I think of long walks in the autumn with a family of my own, days out spent laughing and smiling along with family/friends. Snuggling up by the fire with hot chocolate and ice cream because we all cant chose which one we would prefer. Movie nights in with duvet forts and blanket tents.
I think of the enjoyment, happiness, freedom I could have with them. I think about letting my hair free, almost like riding a bike down a hill and no longer having to pedal but instead lifting your legs into the air and allowing the wind to fly through your hair.
Life. Life is amazing. Life is precious. Life is beautiful.
I can’t even explain all of the scenes and images running through my mind right now because life can be full of anything and everything. The truly brilliant thing is that you can choose what you do, when you do it, how you do it…you can chose how you live and you can chose to spend time with the people that you love and want to be with.
There are so many reasons that I could list right now for you to keep fighting. So many things that you have to look forward to. But you need to think of them yourself too.
Imagine the day when you can bring your little girl/boy home from the hospital into a warm, loving home with your partner. The day you can finally call yourselves a family of your own.
Your child’s first birthday as you help them blow out the candles on the cake, forming memories and smiles with them every single day. Photographs and albums being filled up as the months tick by. Helping them to explore and learn about the world more and more every single day. Creating life. Creating happiness.
Their first day at primary school as you say goodbye at the gates as they stand there in their overly sized school jumper that you hope will last them at least 2 years. Their rucksack neatly packed with a brand new pencil case, colouring pencils, books and their favourite animated character lunch box. You stand there yourself, seeing your child before you and how much they have grown. How much they are glowing with life. The excitement in their eyes mixed with fear and terror of their first day, but they are buzzing. They are giving off life and it is breathe-taking. They are part of you.
They are taking some of the first steps in their own life, building their future and it’s all thanks to you. You, yes you, sitting there reading this now have the power to create life. You can rediscover life all again and you can live for the future that you deserve ad want to live. You can watch your child grow and develop into the world. You can teach them all new and amazing things. You can teach them to bake and create new things. You can start to show them the world from all different points of view.
Now I don’t really know where I am going with this but I want you to know that you deserve life. You deserve happiness. Even if you don’t want to have children, that’s okay. This is your life, NOT ANOREXIAS. What I am trying to say is that you have the power to fight this and you can chose to say, right this second that this is not how your story is going to end. You can show the world what you have to give. You can prove to all those people who never believed in you just what you can achieve and do. You can make a difference in the world. You can be the change. You can choose to do things differently. Your life is worth living. You are worth it. x
musicismycolorbitch: What do you write about in your recovery journal??
I don’t have a recovery “journal” as such at the moment. I have had many different forms of notebooks/ pads that I have used throughout my recovery so far for different reasons. I used to have a book/diary I wrote in every day while I was IP last summer which really helped me to try to rationalise my thoughts and feelings.
Maybe you are referring to my recovery book? Well this little book is more a place of inspiration. It is a place where I write quotes or meaningful messages that I can look back at when I am having a tough day or a particularly difficult moment. I will admit that I haven’t done many pages in it recently as I have been extremely busy with working every weekend along with college and exams coming up, but it is a work in progress. Something that I know I can go to if I am struggling in a day to distract myself. I find that drawing/colouring/being creative does help my mood quite a lot so for me, this is a great distraction technique. I really hope that I can continue to add to it – don’t worry I will post some pictures which I get round to adding more to it! I would honestly suggest that everyone does something like this, - find a place where you can write down some quotes or stick some messages from people that mean a lot to you. Maybe a collage of pictures that remind you of the reasons to fight or things to look forward to? Motivation is key in recovery and if you can find something that works for you to motivate yourself then please, grab onto it and don’t let it go. x
beccarediscoversbecca: Once you get this you have to say 5 nice things about yourself publicly and then send it to 10 of your favorite followers! Thinking good thoughts about yourself is hard but it will make you feel better so give it a go! Love you kitty
I really love you Becca ;) xxxxxx p.s. sorry for late replies, my inbox replying is really slacking!
em-in-recovery: So I just think your so beautiful and so inspiring and so brave and just wow. I'm new here and awkward. Bye now. <3
Aww you are the furthest thing from awkward :3 You are so sweet and kind for sending me this and I am sorry that it has taken so long to reply >.>
Take care lovely and please keep fighting every single day. You deserve a future and you deserve freedom. <3
“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
amordelbuho: right missy! I know your self conscious about it, but I have a challenge for you - NO MORE HIDING YOUR EYE IN YOUR SELFIES! you just don't don't need to :)
I love you Katy and I have read this message every single day since you sent it to me. I have been trying to accept myself a bit more recently which is proving very difficult :/ - but I promise to not hide behind my hair too much/too often especially in my selfies. I am who I am and I can’t change that. I really want to send you the biggest hug in the world and let you know that things are going to be okay, I promise. I am always here for you xxxxx
beccarediscoversbecca: Once you get this you have to say five nice things about yourself publicly, then send it to ten of your favourite followers.
I love you Becca, thank you >.< xxx
1. I like that I care about other people a lot (sometimes too much)
2. I am helpful and want to help others
3. I am hard working and organised
4. I like to listen and am trustworthy
5. I really love to bake (even though I dont do it as much as I would like to at the moment)
Everyone is worth recovery; that includes me and that includes you x
recoveryofspockpova: *cuddles you with my bunnies and puppy* i hate spiders I'm convinced they're all out to kill me! mainly because most of them are! I'll keep you safe :D can't go wrong with a spider catcher (I have an electronic one) and a bowl of bleach!
*cuddles back* please keep me safe…I haven’t dared go back in the room since! I keep on getting scared that it is now in my room and is crawling around…ah! I may have to find a cat and put it in there and hope that it catches it! If not, it will have to be another hoover mission. Oh silly spiders! x
Anonymous: Kitty I don't mean to offend - maybe you're over thinking recovery and perhaps not fully committing to it? I truly mean that in the nicest possible way, I only say it as I seem to be in a similar position. I know how hard this is. You are brilliant x
I am not offended at all, please don’t worry!
I think that you are right though. I do tend to overthink things a lot and it does hold me back in many ways.
I do realise that it is stopping me from committing to recovery fully at the moment but I am trying to take steps to help me break free of these chains right now. It is very difficult…I am not quite sure how to not overthink it if that makes sense? I know that the answer to many of my worries, fears and anxieties is to just “eat more” but it is not as simple as that…otherwise a lot of things would just be *fixed*. Recovery is not just committing to eating more, it is learning to commit to life again and saying yes. I made quite a long post a while ago about what recovery is to me. Which is actually something that I may have to revisit to remind myself of what I am fighting for right now and what recovery is to ME as it may be different for everyone.
I really wish I didn’t overthink everything as much, it is so tiring. Exhausting. Mind consuming. Relentless and downright confusing. I do find myself going around in circles time after time with myself. But I suppose I just need to keep nudging myself in the right direction and hopefully I will feel stronger to commit to recovery even more soon.
Please don’t be afraid to speak to me off of anon. I am really sorry that you feel like you are in a very similar boat right now, it is not nice at all and I want to send you a really big hug and let you know that you are doing the right thing. The important thing is that you keep moving, don’t stop. Don’t let it consume you, you are in control, not it. You can beat this illness, I know it seems impossible at times but you are strong and you will get through this hell. I am always here for you if you need someone to talk to. Please take care of yourself, we will get through this, I promise. Xxx
"No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress. You are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying"
don-tletmegetme: Recovery is hard. I'm proud of you.
I am proud of you too, take care x
strength-in-sydney: Surprise beautiful person! Once you receive this award, you must paste it into 8 people’s asks who deserve it. If you break the chain nothing will happen, but it’s good to know someone thinks you’re beautiful on the inside and out. ♥
Sydney you are wonderful ♥♥♥