<3 thank you anon. I can’t be dealing with anorexia constantly controlling me and pulling me back like it is — Instagram was the chord which I knew I could cut. It was not helping me at all and so, with my “sensible” head on I took the right decision to say no. I made the decision for me and my recovery. I can’t keep letting it win - University is not far away (if I even make it) so changes need to start happening now! No more pissing about. I will not let anorexia control me like it has been. xxxxxxx
BYE BYE INSTAGRAM
I think creating an instagram account was anorexia trying to hold on.
It was trying to suck me in even more as it knew that I was trying to loosen the firm grip that it has had on me.
I have deleted both the app and my account.
I may go back to it one day but I don’t think it was helping me like I thought it would right now.
I will cut the ropes and ties that anorexia is holding me down by.
And now I am off to increase my dinner because I have worked hard all day and I need to get better to be able to move on with my life.
I need this to be able to go to university and live a life free of this illness. And in order to be able to do that I need to eat more. There is no denying that food is the answer at the end of the day.
I will take my medicine. I will listen to the advice that I am being given. I will fight this.
I feel like I need to type this out right now.
I was actually feeling okay…
Work was long and we didn’t really stop all day except when we had to start turning customers away. I managed to get a lunch break but it was so late – 2:40!!! But I was the first one to get a break, which I was grateful for, and I didn’t let anorexia sneak in and make me skip lunch. I stopped, I texted mum, I relaxed a bit and managed all of the lunch that I packed without restricting.
My hours are also been lengthened, only by an extra hour, as the national trust house I work for is opening up properly from next weekend meaning we close later in the café. I am fine with this, especially as I am going to be trying to take a lot of time off around exams as I know that I won’t be able to juggle the two.
When I got home, I actually managed a bit of a bigger afternoon snack but then I came on Tumblr.
Some of the messages I have been receiving lately have upset me a bit but I have been able to shrug them off. But today I felt like they just dragged me down.
It feels like everything I try to do is never ever good enough.
I keep trying but I never do enough. I know that I am not actively recovering like I was before but recovery is not a straight road.
I feel like I am constantly repeating myself trying to get this across.
I KNOW THAT I AM NOT “IN RECOVERY” AS SUCH RIGHT NOW BUT I AM NOT GIVING INTO ANOREXIA AT EVERY SINGLE TURN. I AM NOT IN A FULL BLOWN RELAPSE RIGHT NOW.
IT IS A LIMBO.
I have been challenging myself more recently and it doesn’t ever feel enough. It is the argument in my head; it is never enough for anorexia and it is never enough for recovery and it seems like these messages are just supporting my belief that I am a failure and can’t do this.
In the past week or two I have eaten about 3 ready meals. I have eaten yoghurts which are not 0%. I have challenged myself to cereal as a night snack NEARLY EVERY SINGLE DAY. I haven’t been to the exercise classes I usually go to. I have eaten at different times. I went to see BEYONCE! I ate in front of people I didn’t know at a time I wasn’t used to. I ate a flipping nature valley bar at 2am because I knew I needed it and heck I wanted it. I am not obsessively weighing vegetables as much as I was. I have been able to have a bigger breakfast than I usually would before work. I am eating small biscuits here and there to make sure that I am getting in calories. I no longer feel the “need” to do yoga every day… These are just some of the things that I have done in the past, say, two weeks.
I know that I have a lot that needs to change and be challenged before I am anywhere near ready to go to uni but I am fucking trying okay. I am in the process of increasing my calories - this scares me to pieces but I am trying. I feel like such a broken record on here, I know I have been negative for a while but I am trying to dig myself out of this. I am no longer reducing my calories, in fact they are going the other way and I am working my way towards eating the “average amount needed for a woman to maintain her weight” and I am not that far off of that number right now to be honest with you.
Part of me wonders whether I should take a break from tumblr. I don’t know though. I find my blog and this community so helpful. It helps me to feel so less alone. I really do love receiving all your kind messages but I get so worried and anxious if I dont reply quickly enough.
I love all the beautiful and wonderful anons that send me messages too but there are just those few that make me doubt myself even more.
I know I have to do a lot more than to eat cereal every night in order to move forwards with my life, but it is a step in the right direction.
I am not quite sure where I am leading with this post…but maybe I need to turn off anon for a while? But I don’t want to not get the truly lovely messages from my anons that literally make my day.
I am rambling now but I just needed to get this out.
I am sorry if I have made out that I am someone who I am not, or if I have led anyone on, or let anyone down or anything at all…
I am working on my motivation. I am working on myself. I am trying. It is not easy, but I will get there. I have to get there.
This coming week I vow to do this for ME. For MY future and MY life.
Not to make anyone else happy or to please someone; I am choosing to change my behaviours for my future. I will do this for university, for living, for freedom, for nights out, for concerts, for ice cream, for pizza on a Friday night, for licking the spoon while I bake, for my life, for me to travel the world, for my future family and children. I will do this for me and for so much more.
I realise that at the end of the day I am the only one that can choose to fight this; it comes down to the question of “life or death?” and right now I am choosing life. I am picking to live a life free of anorexia. I will win.
Anonymous: I used to be so inspired by you but now you just upset/annoy me. what happened to you kitty? what happened to the motivated, recovering, blossoming, beautiful girl that you were? why can't you get her back? all you do now is dislike yourself and feel tired and moan about every last fucking detail of your day. THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN IF YOU WERE EATING PROPERLY. you'd find the strength to get up, little things wouldn't bug you & you'd feel free. kitty just LOOK at yourself. JUST LOOK.
I’m sorry I’m such a failure.
I’m sorry for letting you down. I’m sorry for letting everyone down. But most of all I am sorry that I have let myself down. I didn’t ask for this to happen.
I meesed up okay? I realise that and I’m sorry.
I am actually in the process of increasing right now, and I AM increasing, albeit not massive jumps it is still a step in the right direction.
This message actually made me feel kind of rubbish to be honest.
I’m trying. I’m sorry it’s not enough. It’s never enough.
Anonymous: i really don't want to sound mean, but i wish people would stop having a go about your meals ( i know its not meant in that way but still!) in terms of, you are pushing yourself by having a ready meal, which is something you struggle with, so we should be encouraging and helping you, not saying 'is that really enough?'. i'm proud of you for challenging yourself, maybe try to make it a goal to have abigger one soon? we'll be here to support! sorry sorry, keep going <3 x
Thank you so much for this! I think I really needed to hear what you just said. I just felt really low after having it and to come on here and see ‘is that really enough?’ made me feel even worse. My motivation right now for anything is zero and well yeah I am not going to moan anymore but thank you for caring and sending my this message you are really kind xxxx
I’m sorry you feel like this anon. I really am but what you need to try to keep in mind is that eating disorders can cause perception to be skewed.
Body dysmorphia is a common thing to experience when suffering from disordered eating..
Are you seeing any medical professionals right now? I think that may be the first step to make. Reach out.
You may not be seeing yourself as how you truly are. I think that you really need to talk to someone about this - a therapist? It sounds like you really do have some deeper, long term issues that need to be dealt with that are resonating through hate for yourself.
Right now I would suggest making sure that you have a support system around you and make that appointment to see a therapist. Your parents, your family, your friends, even your pets…A good support system is key.
Now for you, maybe try some distractions for when you feel most vulnerable? Also try not to be alone. Maybe organise a few things over the next few weeks? Even if it is going to a coffee shop with a friend? Sitting down at home to watch a film with a relative? Anything. Talking is so important; try not to keep it all within in yourself. If you find it hard to talk perhaps you could write it down in a journal? Or if you want to tell someone, then you could write them a letter?
You really need to reach out for help anon.
Distractions wise - creative things? Draw; make bracelets, paint, folding paper, scrapbooking, making cards etc. Read a book, watch a film, learn something new, buy a game, board games, puzzles!!, what is a hobby you have always wanted to pick up? Knitting? Do you play a musical instrument? Or used to? Maybe try to pick that up again? School/college work? Self-care? Paint your nails; do your hair, bubble bath?
Maybe try to make a list of a few things you want to achieve over this coming year along with a few longer term goals? Sometimes it can help to step out of the moment and think a bit more about the future?
I am worried about you, please do not suffer alone. There is a lot more to life that this world that the disorder has created around you. It will continue to feed you these lies, these false thoughts if you don’t fight it. I am sorry this reply isn’t the best. I really hope you can take some care of yourself. x
Anonymous: Kitty, is that really enough for an evening meal? I know it's tough but it's going to be hard to get to recovery amounts with such small portions etc. You're amazing and I'm sorry people at work were being shit but don't let it get to you. Pick yourself up, because you are so much better than them. You need to recovery, though, and to do that you need to eat recovery amounts, and be honest with yourself. Love and hugs. x
:( I know. I so kind of realise this.
I am trying to focus on getting my calories up in a manageable way to start with and then I will try to get my head around “recovery” amounts. I know I need to do it sooner rather than later. I just ugh. I don’t know, I’m sorry, my mind is a bit everywhere this evening.
I really am sorry. Thank you for taking your time to message me, it means so much that you care. I honestly don’t know who you are but it means a hell of a lot. I do not deserve all of this kindness. I really am sorry, I do wish I could just let go and do it…and I am sorry that I seem to be such a broken record, saying the same things over and over again. It must be infuriating to watch because I know how frustrated I am with myself right now!!!!
But please, if I have learnt at least one thing through my journey so far, it is that you need to put yourself first. So please, please, take care of yourself anon xxxx
shecouldbelieve: hi :) i was the anon that posted about recovery yesterday. those 2 comments, from you kitty and the other person made me want to cry. you are so kind, thank you for helping me with that :') <3 i hope you've both had a good day, lots of love <3 x
I hope that you don’t mind me posting this but I wanted the other anon to see this as well.
It is more than okay though lovely, I really am glad that we could both be of some support to you. Please keep fighting, you are worth it. xxxxx
Anonymous: I'm sorry this question might be very awkward but I have to. According to your intake posts you recover since a few months. But you look still quite small on your photos. Your recovery seems to look like the one I ever dreamed of. Slow and controlled gaining. I gained a huge amount within a very short time and I didn't even binge. I didn't really eat many sweets. How do you do this? Sorry again for this super stupid question. >_<
I really don’t know how to answer this. This message made me really sad.
There is no “right” or “wrong” way to recover from an eating disorder and right now I would not say that I am “actively recovering” and this is NOT how I ever imagined “recovering”. I suppose I have never really given into “recovery” properly. It has always been controlled down to the T, anorexia is very much dominant in my life right now…
Just my thoughts last night and today. Trigger warning.
Anonymous: You are not your fears. Not the thoughts that cause tears, When you're shaking like thunder, Rise above, don't fall under.. You are so much more, An indescribable furore. You are YOU, you are KITTY, Anything else would just be SHITTY!! Xxxxxxxx
You have a very kind soul anon, thank you so much. I am trying to fight the fears and push my way out of this place. Thank you for being so lovely, I really don’t deserve it! Xxxxx
…I’m sorry anon but recovery is full of ups and downs; it is not one straight line. Not all happiness and sunshine and rainbows. Relapses do not always happen, but they are not uncommon. I actually said that I would post some of my favourite blogs - not that they were all 100% trigger free - life doesn’t always come with a trigger warning and I think that this comment is a bit unfair to be honest. Also, you have to remember that different people find different things triggering.
I posted Olivia’s blog because actually, even though you do point out that she was welcoming a relapse about a month ago, if you go onto her blog now it is a wash with recovery. She is fighting back against her illness.
Her blog inspires me and she is someone that I look up to quite a lot. That is why I mentioned her.
Anonymous: To the anon who was worried about being in the proportion of people who don't recover - I'd say that as you've already managed to start on the road to recovery, even if you've slipped up, just by admitting that you're tired of this disease and that you do want to beat it, you're probably quite a bit more likely to recover than that statistic would suggest! Best wishes to both of you x
^^ please see this from yesterday anon! Thank you so much for your kind words xxxx
Remember I got a ready meal on Monday as a challenge? Well there was an offer on in Tesco so I got another one and here it is. Saturdays dinner. A couscous chicken meal with added veg. Preprepared meals are such a fear…Work wasn’t nice at all. The customers were rude and it just wasn’t my day. Oh and then at lunch a lady (catering manager - scary lady) kept commenting on my food. then once she left another lady came in for her break with a whole leaflet about ‘how bad sugar is for you’ which she decided to tell me while I was sitting there…I am so tired but back I go again tomorrow for another shift! It could be worse I suppose, just need to keep going.